Today.

its that time of the year again.

when I give myself the luxury of wallowing in the past. Lust for the times which can never be brought back.

I think about that one time. When i prayed for something crazily, the way only a 20 year old, in love for the first time, can... and about how he granted it....in that grand lavish way, only a God can; Making it all the more transcendent.

...and then taking it away like that too. Making an anecdote out of my entire life. My very first love.

I savour the flashbacks, which i play in slow motion. I have favorites.

Like this one time when we sat in the swing, behind your apartments and sang 'Can't take my eyes off you'.

...and the time we drove up to peersuhawa... there was nothing but just plain white snow all around. I was wearing chapals and it still didnt matter.

...or that one time when you talked me to sleep. You understood that i had to sleep and i had to ''not-hang-up'.

... or the million times you bought me Mentos and Big apple without me asking you.


...especially the time you surprised me on Valentine's. The corniness of it all. How you indulged me and graciously understood the romantic quirks and notions I held, you being my first love and me-being-me.

..but most of all, I keep replaying that last conversation we had. How mundane it was. How we had a mock argument about Scarlett Johansson. How you kept asking me to let you sleep and how i kept insisting on 'Friday night being an all-night-talking night'. How you told me that it was not Friday but Saturday. You had work on Saturday, na? I wonder if I had not talked to you for that long, maybe you would have left for work on time. Maybe you wouldn't have been inside. You weren't supposed to be at home.


...And the smile you smiled when I would do the "Saady, tum mujh say Saadi kero gay?''

So many of them ..

So today is the day when i go through my day, Half sniffling, half giggling. Today I let myself be the girl who worshipped you. Today I let myself be miserable and I let myself have another portion of my heart fizzle out. Today I let myself feel all that I had stopped feeling, some intentionally and some unintentionally, after you were gone.


Just for today.

Saad Iqbal

Died: October 8th, 2005