8:21 PM


its that time of the year again.

when I give myself the luxury of wallowing in the past. Lust for the times which can never be brought back.

I think about that one time. When i prayed for something crazily, the way only a 20 year old, in love for the first time, can... and about how he granted it....in that grand lavish way, only a God can; Making it all the more transcendent.

...and then taking it away like that too. Making an anecdote out of my entire life. My very first love.

I savour the flashbacks, which i play in slow motion. I have favorites.

Like this one time when we sat in the swing, behind your apartments and sang 'Can't take my eyes off you'.

...and the time we drove up to peersuhawa... there was nothing but just plain white snow all around. I was wearing chapals and it still didnt matter.

...or that one time when you talked me to sleep. You understood that i had to sleep and i had to ''not-hang-up'.

... or the million times you bought me Mentos and Big apple without me asking you.

...especially the time you surprised me on Valentine's. The corniness of it all. How you indulged me and graciously understood the romantic quirks and notions I held, you being my first love and me-being-me.

..but most of all, I keep replaying that last conversation we had. How mundane it was. How we had a mock argument about Scarlett Johansson. How you kept asking me to let you sleep and how i kept insisting on 'Friday night being an all-night-talking night'. How you told me that it was not Friday but Saturday. You had work on Saturday, na? I wonder if I had not talked to you for that long, maybe you would have left for work on time. Maybe you wouldn't have been inside. You weren't supposed to be at home.

...And the smile you smiled when I would do the "Saady, tum mujh say Saadi kero gay?''

So many of them ..

So today is the day when i go through my day, Half sniffling, half giggling. Today I let myself be the girl who worshipped you. Today I let myself be miserable and I let myself have another portion of my heart fizzle out. Today I let myself feel all that I had stopped feeling, some intentionally and some unintentionally, after you were gone.

Just for today.

Saad Iqbal
Died: October 8th, 2005


JDèé said...

Don't know what to say. He was my cousin. Although, we seldom met (I live in Khi), he was a joy to hang around with whenever we did. One of the brightest guys I have known. May his soul rest in peace.

Anonymous said...

"Ask me, how has your time been
ever since you were left alone?
and i will tell you
i have been running my finger
on every brick, every door, every tile
of this city
and i have found nothing but the love
that has outlived
the heart of it's host."

Herman Hesse.

Reflections said...

I'm sorry!!!!

Reflections said...

Incase u r wondering I came here thru Balvinder Singh's blog

Media Junkie said...


Listen to 'Who Knew' by Pink if you haven't already heard it.

Xeb said...

I share your pain.

Anonymous said...

Same here. I know what you mean.

Salman Latif said...

I can relate.
The pain of our loved one's parting never ceases to ache within our hearts.
And sometimes, just sometimes, it's not bad to let the tears flow.

Annie said...


I am guessng you must be from Safdr Uncle's side... I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be for everyone in your family..

Reflections, MJ, Xeb, Mehreen, Salman:

:) ... Thanks a lot

Anon:... *sigh*

Thoth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
PNA said...

I can relate...Balvinder guided me here

M. said...

i remember S telling me about this :/

its a beautifully written post btw

Annie said...

aww, thanks a lot.

No idea which S, you are talking about though :)


M. said...

S as in your youngest sister S (if we're not disclosing actual names here)

Annie said...

ohhh, okay ... yeah sorta figured that out ... what with the legal posts on your blog and all ...

have we met?

M. said...

once over lunch

you regaled us with your exploits in lahore

Annie said...

oh boy. that so sounds like me...


exploits in lahore, such good times i have had... where did they all go

so like are you not gonna tell me your name?

M. said...

ask S, she'll figure it out...

Minerva said...

I'm very very sorry for your loss.

Don't know what else to say.

Annie said...

me too :)

Mamma mia! Me a mamma? said...

What a heart-breaking tribute...in so many ways. This was warm and touching and funny and just plain oh-so-beautiful'

May Time dull the pain but brighten the wonderful memories.

May your friend's soul always, always rest in peace.

::kacy:: said...

this entry is very, very sad. not to be rude, but were you still dating him when he passed? this just breaks my heart.

Anonymous said...

just wanted to let u know i love u meri choti baby.. and dont be sad AT ALL. .. good times are short.. but they surely come again.. .. .X0X0X

Miz said...

Can not imagine what you've been through, i started reading this post thinking it seemed like a break-up, yearning sort of post... but my heart went out to you in the end. I'm a stranger to you, came here through Xeb's blog, but i truly feel for your loss.

Annie said...

Thanks a lot everyone :)

Anonymous said...

Not to spook you out or something, I saw you after 8th October and I clearly remember how broken you were. And I prayed a lot for you to be okay.

The pain rarely ever goes away. I hope its intensity is a little lesser everyday

Syeda said...

i've been contemplating all day whether i should comment or not...but having read this post of yours i just couldn't hold it in...i was googling something up today and came across your blogs just out of the random..and oh my!..i swear i have been crying more than half of the time, going through your writings i saw a picture of myself almost everywhere through your penmanship...i'm extremely sorry for your loss...happy for your achievements...and grateful to you for your bluntness and for having a peek at this...i'm 20 right now...and i allowed myself the luxury of retrospect, mixed emotions and memories today...with you!..:)...the only thing that i think differs is the fact that i found my faith in all its magnitude...wen i was 18...as a result of a dream unfulfilled...went crazy for becoming an aeronautical engineer(in pakistan airforce).. had a dns surgery..dealt with the pain and recovery before leaving...went for the issb to gujranwala...did well...wasnt selected coz they dint want to take ppl from civilian backgrounds anymore...and in the process, found the faith i have been seeking!...dont know why, but i felt like sharing this story with you.