10:49 PM

Sex. Pakistan. Women?..

Its funny funny stuff that I am seeing around me. I also read this Newsline article but I never bothered finishing it cause it was just that awful. I hate stereotypes and cliches and this is all there was to it.
I was a late bloomer and I didnt know anything about sex until I was 16. It was in college that I was "educated" by my dear friends, amidst a ton of giggles and dirty jokes. I had by the time already figured out bits and pieces. I came home, asked my Khala. She heard my side of it and answered my questions. My Khala is not a hoitty-toitty, Gucci and LV wearing sort. She's a house wife and just another mom. Traditional yet liberal. She didnt make a big deal out of it and also laughed at a few of my concepts. She didnt scare me or tell me that I should be ashamed of it or not ask any questions. It was just a normal thing.

I was strictly required to keep a distance from my male cousins and friends, but that was only in the physical context. I was still allowed to hang with my male cousins and friends. The only thing my mother stressed on was maintaining a physical distance. Yes, at that time I found that to be very embarrasing more than anything but now I understand her reasons. Simple.

I have been asked about my virginity and I find that to be a very intrusive question. I choose not to answer that one. I think it's my business and that's that! I don't ask anyone about their sex life until its a very close friend and well, ... if she wants to discuss... Yes, I crack jokes about sex. They are funny.. but no, i dont do that with ever Tom, Dick and Harry ( no pun intended..)

As far as romantic relationships are concerned I have never had to experience any form of pressure on that front. No boy tried to convince me or pressurize me into doing some thing I wasn't comfortable with. They all respected my boundaries and my comfort level.

I am sexually liberated but I am not a hippie. I don't believe in "free love", and "Sex is a natural phenomenon and shouldnt be denied and repressed", I think me jumping every pretty-boy-ass I see would result in a disaster rather than happiness and joy. I don't think me deciding to hang on to my hymen is anyone's business. Also at the same time I think there is way more to a person than their virginity. I also believe that, just like the rest of the world, in Pakistan people have all kinds of sexual preferances and that yes, generally we don't like to talk about it in the open but that doesn't mean that we are uneducated in that area or we are repressed. Its just a comfort thing and no more!

1:22 AM

Mommy Love

Me and Didi (my mom) have that kinda mother-daughter relationship where most of our conversations are high-pitched, and consist of screaming and shouting. We are very different in the way we perceive life and everything which comes with it. We are a lot like each oher in our conflict resolution methodology; we scream and loose our tempers easily. I've seen my friends and my cousins being completly horrified by such scenes, which pretty much everyone around us have witnessed. The mother-daughter bitch-fest happens to be quite scandalous for most of them. I don't remember losing a nights sleep over our issues. They had permanent residence in my everyday life and if I started feeling bad about my behaviour or how she was not agreeing with me, I would have had a nervous breakdown by now. For sure!

but yesterday she called me to discuss my mayoun details and we ended up having a fight. I was with a friend who was obviously disturbed by it. I forgot about it after five minutes.

...and then I went back home and my sister told me how she had taken Amma to the hospital. Recently she had started getting these boils which looked like a folliculitis infection, all the time. So the doctor told her how it wasn't that but how she wasn't well and that it was all related to tension. The tension she had from my upcoming wedding. The tension she had from making sure I had every single thing one could think of putting in a kitchen. The tension from thinking of new colors for the rest of the dowry clothes she was making. The tension she had of worrying about the budget and making sure I had everything. My sister gave her a lecture on how she was being insane and that considering I wasnt very into the whole dowry and shadi thing anyway, she needn't do everything that she was doing while driving herself completly insane with all the worrying, the dowry-accumulating process required. and you know what she said?..

She said that when she got married due to the circumstances under which she got married (long story, for another time...maybe) she didn't have a lot of furniture and things. The house she went to after she got married had a bed, a table and a few chairs and a lot of emptiness. She told my sister how hard it was considering she was coming from a house which had every single thing... and so she didnt want me to have that tainted early-marriage days. She didnt want that I be living in an empty house or asking my in-laws ( who will be living upstairs from me) for kitchen ware and stuff all the time. She wanted me to be happy. And so it didnt matter that I wasn't supportive or appreciative of it all and that I was still giving her a tough time and that I was still throwing tantrums and all that. It was okay as long as I was happy.

So now I have a heavy heart... and guilt...and a ton of sadness. For all the times I came late. For all the times I wore inappropriate clothes (according to her, mind you) . For all the times I screamed at her and said mean stuff. For every single time I was a disappointment ( which comes out to an approximate  3,4 times a day..) ..and For myself cause I will not get to take love forgranted the way I have had the leisure to do so all my life.

Unconditional and Selfless Love is gonna be a once-a-week thing instead of being there all the time.

5:41 AM

Morbid Innocence ....

In my Social Studies class, back in 8th grade we used to do this weekly assignment, where the teacher would give us numbers and then that night we had to watch the PTV news and note down the headline corresponding to that number. Next day in class we had to talk about that specific headline and conduct a mini-discussion.

Now sometimes some kid would forget to note it down. Sometimes the entire class would forget. Such were the ways of me and my friends, back in the day.

...and I used to have a very simple ass-saving formula for this.

I used to always write about sucide bombs in Palestine. Since almost everyday there was one. It was like a little joke. People killed in Kashmir and Suicide bombings in Palestine happened everyday. You could bet on it.

..and now when I see bomb news on CNN, I can't stop and wonder if that's what my country has become for the rest of the world. Something they change the channel on... "just another bomb blast in Pakistan"..

...and that kills me.

9:59 PM

Lazy winter mornings...aaah

Having a career is great. Being driven for 'more' is awesome too. Not to forget, them business suits; now that's some serious cut-throat sexy!

but there are days, when there's winter breeze blowing outside and the sun is out, shining. I can imagine me in my jammies, lazing out in the garden. Eating breakfast, full of cheese and cream and maple syrup. Contemplating watching a movie in my bed, or reading a book in the sun... or maybe a pedicure.

and then taking a nap cause all the thinking would be the most stressful thing I would be doing all day and I would need some rest.

and on days like that... I almost don't see anything wrong with a life sans business suits, blackberries and outlook.

Photograph, taken from here