Chala Aaya, Teray Dar Par: Toh Bera Paar Kar Dena

On graduating, I realized that there were so many things that I had wanted to do and I never got around doing cause of my crazy socializing habits, along with the tons of assignments that always had to be turned-over the next day, and stupid papers which had to be written down, or exams / quizzes/ assessments which had to be studied for.

So i made a pledge...

...and made myself a list.

Books which needed to be read

Movies, which had to be watched

Wardrobe, which needed sorting out

Library books which needed to be returned

and then the most important; educating myself about different topics which I always was curious / interested about but never bothered with. The first one on the list was religion. I wanted to finish the Quranic translation. Read the Bukhari, Tirmidhi, Ibn-e-Majja. Read up about the history of Islam and all the different schools of thought.

Luckily or unluckily, my job wasn't very demanding and therefore Thanks to that and a super-fast Internet connection I got 'on' it full-time. Now the thing with information (knowledge, wisdom whatever you wanna put here {yes, I'm aware they are different concepts}) is, that it's addictive. You click on one thing, then you come across ten other un-heard-of-concepts or controversies-you-didn't-know-of, that you didn't know existed before and ... so it went on.

A little back ground.

I belong to a very religious family so religion was always a part of my life. As far as my take on religion, my believes, my opinions were concerned, while a lot of them were based on what I read myself, most of them were based on my dad's take on religion and his dars. My dad took his time with religion. His mother was a writer, a preacher, a teacher and basically a daddi-version-superwoman. So he , like me, also had a religious upbringing. Yet he didn't just absorb it all without first doing his research, taking time in finding faith and making his opinions. Like father, like daughter, I decided it was time I started putting some energy into the whole religious-faith business.

So I fasted. I prayed. I read and read some more.

I thought I would finally be sorted in the religion department. For once know what it actually meant to be a Muslim...

But I found more contradiction. Unrest and confusion. Questions with no answers. Questions which lead me to my first brush with bigotry and a different kind of prejudice... and gradually losing the faith, as i knew it. My aqeedah crumbling, like I never thought it would.

I guess as of now I am an Agnostic Islamic Theist. Its a never-ending journey, the quest for the multitudes of 'absolute truths'. I still try and look for answers. There is a perturbance, which is a constant. I know there is hope, yeah?... *Sarcastic/ Ironic smile*

I wonder how it happens to so many people though? How it comes to them so naturally? With the same ease, as one learns to breathe. No doubts. No confusion. I look at their face and I wish I could have that. The peace.



I always thoughts that religion was the means to an end. Suddenly I don't know what that end is anymore? ...