2:24 AM

Chala Aaya, Teray Dar Par: Toh Bera Paar Kar Dena

On graduating, I realized that there were so many things that I had wanted to do and I never got around doing cause of my crazy socializing habits, along with the tons of assignments that always had to be turned-over the next day, and stupid papers which had to be written down, or exams / quizzes/ assessments which had to be studied for.

So i made a pledge...

...and made myself a list.

Books which needed to be read

Movies, which had to be watched

Wardrobe, which needed sorting out

Library books which needed to be returned

and then the most important; educating myself about different topics which I always was curious / interested about but never bothered with. The first one on the list was religion. I wanted to finish the Quranic translation. Read the Bukhari, Tirmidhi, Ibn-e-Majja. Read up about the history of Islam and all the different schools of thought.

Luckily or unluckily, my job wasn't very demanding and therefore Thanks to that and a super-fast Internet connection I got 'on' it full-time. Now the thing with information (knowledge, wisdom whatever you wanna put here {yes, I'm aware they are different concepts}) is, that it's addictive. You click on one thing, then you come across ten other un-heard-of-concepts or controversies-you-didn't-know-of, that you didn't know existed before and ... so it went on.

A little back ground.

I belong to a very religious family so religion was always a part of my life. As far as my take on religion, my believes, my opinions were concerned, while a lot of them were based on what I read myself, most of them were based on my dad's take on religion and his dars. My dad took his time with religion. His mother was a writer, a preacher, a teacher and basically a daddi-version-superwoman. So he , like me, also had a religious upbringing. Yet he didn't just absorb it all without first doing his research, taking time in finding faith and making his opinions. Like father, like daughter, I decided it was time I started putting some energy into the whole religious-faith business.

So I fasted. I prayed. I read and read some more.

I thought I would finally be sorted in the religion department. For once know what it actually meant to be a Muslim...

But I found more contradiction. Unrest and confusion. Questions with no answers. Questions which lead me to my first brush with bigotry and a different kind of prejudice... and gradually losing the faith, as i knew it. My aqeedah crumbling, like I never thought it would.

I guess as of now I am an Agnostic Islamic Theist. Its a never-ending journey, the quest for the multitudes of 'absolute truths'. I still try and look for answers. There is a perturbance, which is a constant. I know there is hope, yeah?... *Sarcastic/ Ironic smile*

I wonder how it happens to so many people though? How it comes to them so naturally? With the same ease, as one learns to breathe. No doubts. No confusion. I look at their face and I wish I could have that. The peace.

I always thoughts that religion was the means to an end. Suddenly I don't know what that end is anymore? ...


Anonymous said...

My turn indeed. And as much as I enjoy tracking down and pulling little girls' painted fingernails out... I'm busy developing my 'death star' to fire a 'laser' at unsuspecting world governments, so painted fingernails will have to wait.

So, at the risk of sounding like everyone else who comments on other people's blogs and then runs away, guten tag!

Annie said...


G'Luck with it...

Salman Latif said...

Uh. We have little difference on that one. :P

Mamma mia! Me a mamma? said...

Annie, I understand your confusion.

I also come from a religious family, but my parents never forced it down our throats. I belong to a religion that has so many paths, so many strains of thought and I am of the questioning kind. There's so much, so, so very MUCH that I reject outright about my religion, my Gods, my beliefs. And yet, in times of distress and extreme gratitude, it is to Them that I turn.

I am on a spiritual journey. I don't know the path, I don't know the means and I don't know the ends.

For now, I just know that I want answers to my many questions.

I also envy those who just KNOW, who BELIEVE so instantaneously, like my husband. For him, faith is not something to be questioned, it just is.

I have a LONG way before I get there.

Good luck to you and your journey as well.

Annie said...

aah, M4...

I so hear you...

the weirdest thing between me and some of my friends is that I'm more concious morally....but when it comes to the 'faith' part... they can,t even relate to my state of affairs. Questioning God, his existence, the dynamics of your own relationship with God...they can't even magine it.

but like you said, its a journey, a marathon... One day it'll start making more sense....

Minerva said...

I was religious. Am not anymore.

That's the shortest story of my life.


Annie said...

hahah ... Even your short stories have character..

Indian Home Maker said...

First time here I think :)

I share the feelings and the questions you do when you say, How it comes to them so naturally? With the same ease, as one learns to breathe. No doubts. No confusion. I look at their face and I wish I could have that. The peace.

I must question...

Sarmad said...

" I know there is hope, yeah?... "

No one knows the meaning of your "Sarcastic/ Ironic smile" as I do (at least that’s what I think:-p)

On a serious note...Don't stop, keep searching & exploring.
Honestly speaking it never comes so naturally, those who show this are tainted inside.

Contradictions, confusions, incongruity, misinterpretations and what not shake the "Aqeeda" but they never should. I hope you remember my time and efforts I put in for the same. I came across the same thing.
Just stick to it and find out what you should know first and what not. The sequence is very important.

Now I too say " Islam ko pehlay mano phir jano".

I would suggest you do unbiased research, only then you can find the truth and fundamental nature of "Aqeeda". Don’t stop :-) Don’t take any decisions yet, its too early:-)

Annie said...


My brother is on my blog...

all the x-rated stuff i have said before. its all coming back to me!

*giggles* ...

but that too , you already know ... hehe


its an aye-aye Sir through out.

Nahl said...

I long madly for the peace u talk about here.
Although, I'm a believer it has never come naturally to me. I wonder if I am doing something wrong for God to not making me receptive enough to his knowledge?!

Anonymous said...

I have never been able to realte with any article more. Especially now, when I myself am at this stage of discovering my faith.

I have grown up on ebing told to follow the tenets of Islam, coming from a very religious family like yourself. So I never questioned anything ever and went on following. But this is that time when I feel confused about life, as I come across people who are atheists, agnostics, or staunch theists. Until a few years back, I needed to find the meaning of these words! And with me, the problem is, I have difficulty believing anything that doesn't have a logical reason. That's why I feel confused as ever right now! Because the only thing that I have whole heartedly believed since I was born, is faith in Allah...and now I'm questioning that as well! It's pretty scary you know. Makes me feel like I know nothing about myself or I have no opinions.

So, I've decided, to learn to speak and understand Arabic (I can read the Quran because I know the script but can't understand it.) and then read the Quran again and really, understand it...so that I'm able to understand my religion better...and so that if I don't...then I'm able to decided where exactly my faith lies. You're lucky to be staying in Pakistan you know...there are hardly any people who know Arabic here. And this thing pricks me every single day...that I don't know where my faith lies. It's a huge mental illness I'm acquiring!

Annie said...

Dear Zeba,

the way I look at it, religion is not an end in itself but a means to an end; The end being "the absolute truth".

So dont feel bad. I did. I still do but there are many who dont ever bother. You are going there and if you have an open heart, I am sure you will find satisfaction and peace :)

Good Luck.