Mommy Love

Me and Didi (my mom) have that kinda mother-daughter relationship where most of our conversations are high-pitched, and consist of screaming and shouting. We are very different in the way we perceive life and everything which comes with it. We are a lot like each oher in our conflict resolution methodology; we scream and loose our tempers easily. I've seen my friends and my cousins being completly horrified by such scenes, which pretty much everyone around us have witnessed. The mother-daughter bitch-fest happens to be quite scandalous for most of them. I don't remember losing a nights sleep over our issues. They had permanent residence in my everyday life and if I started feeling bad about my behaviour or how she was not agreeing with me, I would have had a nervous breakdown by now. For sure!

but yesterday she called me to discuss my mayoun details and we ended up having a fight. I was with a friend who was obviously disturbed by it. I forgot about it after five minutes.

...and then I went back home and my sister told me how she had taken Amma to the hospital. Recently she had started getting these boils which looked like a folliculitis infection, all the time. So the doctor told her how it wasn't that but how she wasn't well and that it was all related to tension. The tension she had from my upcoming wedding. The tension she had from making sure I had every single thing one could think of putting in a kitchen. The tension from thinking of new colors for the rest of the dowry clothes she was making. The tension she had of worrying about the budget and making sure I had everything. My sister gave her a lecture on how she was being insane and that considering I wasnt very into the whole dowry and shadi thing anyway, she needn't do everything that she was doing while driving herself completly insane with all the worrying, the dowry-accumulating process required. and you know what she said?..

She said that when she got married due to the circumstances under which she got married (long story, for another time...maybe) she didn't have a lot of furniture and things. The house she went to after she got married had a bed, a table and a few chairs and a lot of emptiness. She told my sister how hard it was considering she was coming from a house which had every single thing... and so she didnt want me to have that tainted early-marriage days. She didnt want that I be living in an empty house or asking my in-laws ( who will be living upstairs from me) for kitchen ware and stuff all the time. She wanted me to be happy. And so it didnt matter that I wasn't supportive or appreciative of it all and that I was still giving her a tough time and that I was still throwing tantrums and all that. It was okay as long as I was happy.

So now I have a heavy heart... and guilt...and a ton of sadness. For all the times I came late. For all the times I wore inappropriate clothes (according to her, mind you) . For all the times I screamed at her and said mean stuff. For every single time I was a disappointment ( which comes out to an approximate  3,4 times a day..) ..and For myself cause I will not get to take love forgranted the way I have had the leisure to do so all my life.

Unconditional and Selfless Love is gonna be a once-a-week thing instead of being there all the time.