How a Man should Love a Woman

Oscar Wilde said, and I quote:

“How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being?”

So I say to the 45% of the world population which has the tag 'Heterosexual, male' learn a thing or two from Mr Wilde. What's so grand about loving someone who is normal, who has no personality flaws you would talk about and people wouldn't be shocked or atleast be mildly amused? What's so grand about that love which probably found a window of convenience and jumped right into it? You think you are something when you marry that girl-next-door, who has never seen hot-insane passion in life, who has never believed in something so strongly that she would get it tatooed on her forehead, who has never gotten drunk and passed out, who has never been precarious in life? What's the fun in marrying a satti sawatri?

I get a lot of comments, sarcasm implying that my husband either must be high when he married me or regretting it now. I normally just crack a joke about it and move on, but you know what I am thinking inside? How end of the day, I am that lucky girl who got a man who gave her unconditional acceptance, knowing that he wasn't marrying someone who was easy? He married me knowing that I am not going to stay in the marriage if everyday wasn't made worth every sacrifice that I was going to be making? He tied that knot knowing that I have loved like mad before and a part of me will never stop? He married me knowing that the Love, i love is Insane and mad and passionate and extreme and obsessive.

He married me knowing I was me. nothing less. nothing more.

and that my friends, is how a man should love a woman.

Why?

So blessed I feel, whenever I look back at life, generally.

The faces that I see. SunnySara, Baji and Bhai. Deedi Peeno Simi. Hashim.

Bay Ji.

Komal, Arshia, Alina

Marya, Madiha, Atif, Johnny, Shahab, Rana, Jazib, Asfa, Zahra & Zara, Mahaau & Irfan.

Saady.

The love that I have seen, I wonder, is it common? Has everyone seen so much and felt so much of it?

You would think a girl with 11 best friends, six siblings, three moms and a great husband would be at peace with the love she has had all her life.

Then why is it Baba, that I want more. More of the love you gave me. Baba, why so greedy?

Why does my heart not find peace. Why does it keep wanting you back. So much love, and still wanting that very brand of love that only you could dish out. I have so much, baba. So much that words can never explain. Why being your daughter, I still have such a greedy heart?..

Why my heart has no peace. Why does it just want your hands wrapped around my head & the hug that only a stick-thin baba can give?

Just you baba. I dont want to be ungrateful but only want you. Nothing else. I want you for me, baba. Just me.

nothing else. just you.

Baba, Annie Misses you

I go on facebook everyday and I end up doing the same thing. Reading all the condolences that were written to me, on baba's death. One month after, they are still trickling in. Some wrote to show they cared, even if they didnt understand. Some wrote cause they had gone through the same. Some wrote cause calling was harder.

I know what to say when someone is in a similar situation. Yes, it doesnt come easily but I can still somehow drag my feet through it. But I dont know what to say back, when I am at the receiving end. "Thanks" would be awkward. "God's will, what can I say or do" would be truely reflective of the situation but not of how I feel. I'm not quite there yet. I'm still trying to understand how it happened.

I was in the 4th grade, when I had a dream that he had died. Its amazing how clearly I remember it. I remember that his face at that time didnt carry a beard and his hair were darker. So I'm glad that this time I saw an older face. A face which had seen and experienced so much more than what it had at that time. But why do I feel like there was more for it. I used to celebrate the fact that my kids would have an awesome grand father, having not liked mine all my life. How will they learn that grace and that dignity. Who will teach them to hold their head up high no matter what. I can't. I have walked some roads with my head hanging low. Grace is not me more than it is me. Dignity I have tried to hold on to tight but my grip has been loose on it on a few occasions. but Baba. Never.

That time that I had that dream, I woke up and I was relieved that it was just a dream and up I was to school. I had the same dream another time and when I woke up I didn't really remember anything about it other than the fact that I had seen him dying. Even though I was in Thailand on my honeymoon, there was no relief to follow. By the time it was evening I was sitting in my hotel room, crying out loud, freaking my newly acquired husband to no end.

But I knew it. That it was gonna happen. I'm not superstitious or psychic but that feeling I just couldnt shake off. So in a way there is some consolation that I got to cuddle up with him more than I would have otherwise. I told him how much I loved him, a million times after I got back and before he expired. I got to see him smile and nod at me and do all the little baba-things he used to do, in that special way that made me feel so loved and taken care of for 26 years of my life. So I guess, I should find my peace sometime soon. Also if nothing else works I can find solace in knowing that I was a special one, cause I shared my birthday with him.

But whatever happens, needless to say there are still tears which are gonna be shed, sad laughs, laughed like the way us siblings do when we are reminiscing about him and loads of birthday candles blown wishing he was there.

If the floods were World War 2...

...the Ahmadiyyah community would be our Jews and our Government would be the third reich!

Discrimination of this sort needs to be put on hold, if not forever, atleast for times like the ones we are facing. So do your bit for this. Share the link on your facebook, talk to your friends about it, forward to your contacts. The Ahmadiyyah Community can not openly speak up about their right in fear of legal action taken against them thanks to the Blasphamy Laws. So you do your part!

Rain, Your favorite song and the obvious followup post

Hey…

Its cloudy and I m listening to one of your favorite bands. It’s not like I put an effort in picking it up. Windows Media Player on shuffle does that to you…and now the song is there, in my ears, seeping through me, reaching crooks and crannies I had forgotten about.

And again I’m thinking the same thing. Do I ever cross your mind? Is it good, what you remember me by? Did I ever matter to you? Did you tell your new girl friend about me? Did you tell her how whiny I used to be? What label did you put on me? Does she know about me being Zunair Khan? Does she know at one point you were my best friend but never the other way around.

…And yes, I think of you and hope you are good… I’m happy, married to someone who makes me so very happy and plain content. Who cuddles me to sleep, even though he's a strict non-cuddler.

But Just so that you know, if you think the same, I do wonder about you and hope that you are healthy and happy and more at peace with yourself and your surroundings then you were before... and more than anything, I miss the one-sided bestfriendshipness.

Obsessively me!

I want to start painting very soon.

I plan to quit smoking, "No.Matter.What" by the last 2010 quarter.

I want to get myself a great bag and a great pair of sunglasses very soon.

I plan on doing one small thing at a time and start furnishing my lounge now.

I will read more and write more. I will. Even if i have nothing to say really, i'll still say it.

I will be more efficient at work, simply the best sort. 

Profile Pictures.

There are so many. Facebook, Twitter, Orkut, Windows Live, Gtalk, Linkedin....

ah or akh-thu?

..updating ones which only my friends would be viewing (facebook, Windows Live) doesn't require much thinking ... They range from whatever the pretty posey ones, from weddings and birthdays to the crazy random ones taken here and there .. I am not concious about those at all. I have had some down-right fugly ones.. 

....but when it comes to putting one up on a public platform like Linkedin or here its funny what a project and a half it can be. Its always one of the fake ones, with a toothy smile. I always wonder what a third person, who has never met me, never seen me thinks of it. When they see it, do they see "me". Do they think I am plastic or do they think I have kind eyes. Do they think I am cross-eyed...

So I am putting it out there, what do you see random-reader-darling?..  

I know how this can be a classic case of "Aa bail, mujhay maar" ... but nevermind.

Facebook Ban in Pakistan Over "Draw Muhammad Day"...

...and I think it is stupid.

The Draw Muhammad Day is an event on facebook which invites enteries, asking people to draw their idea of what the prophet stands for, simply put. Islam happens to prohibit drawing pictures of Humans, and hence in general everyday life people  show their affection and pay respect to their prophet using calligraphy rather than portraits. However "prohibted" these drawings be, I want to know, is the hysteria that it causes accordingly justified?..

a bit of background:

"Everybody Draw Mohammed Day!" began last month as the brainchild of a Seattle-based cartoonist named Molly Norris, who was appalled by Comedy Central's decision to censor an episode of "South Park" that depicted Muhammad in a bear costume.


As a way to protest the network's decision -- which came after an Islamic extremist website warned of retaliation against the show's creators, Matt Stone and Trey Parker -- Norris created a poster with likenesses of Muhammad as a domino, a teacup and a box of pasta.


She declared May 20 "Everybody Draw Mohammed Day!" -- and her efforts quickly went viral, spawning several Facebook pages with thousands of followers dedicated to the event.


They also prompted a "protest" movement by thousands of other Facebook users opposed to it.

Now for some people everything is Kosher; We know that Matt Stone and Trey Parker are that sort. I believe they have the right to be like that. Makes them insensitive, yes. Does it justify crucifixion of these two? Should they be burnt alive? I'll say no.

Its things like these, the reactions so extreme (remember killings of innocents, banning of Danish products) that make people perceive Muhammad to be an angry arab with a turban, probably with a suicide bomb hidden in it. Isnt the caricature that we are drawing in the minds of so many nations and peoples, not blasphamous? Isn't that an insult to your believes? a contradiction?

Also what does the governement plan to achieve from this ban? Have they not heard of proxy sites? Have they never been on the internet? What about freedom of expression? What about my right to choose whether I want to leave facebook for this one event or not? Shouldn't it be my call? Can we not do something more substantial towards building a better image of the Prophet and its followers than this?

There is a demographic in this country, quite sizable, which respects women judging on the length of their shirts and shalwars, the volume of their voice, the swing (or lack) off their saunter, the number of times they make eye contact and smile during a certain conversation. In other words a good girl wears long shirts, long shalwars (okay thanks to the latest trends even the bad ones are doing that now a days but you know what I mean...), keeps her voice low, her walk straight, with minimum ass-swinging and keeps a poker face while talking to the opposite gender.

Now there is another relatively smaller, yet still big enough demographic in this country which is scared off the above mentioned demographic and hence enforces the same limitations on the women around them. The philosophy behind every rule, every limit is the "log kia kahain gay" (translation: what will people say).

By all this I do not mean to say that every woman who chooses any of the above mentioned are all forced into it. Many choose it themselves. However there are women who choose to not care as well. Women like me.

I wear what I want to, and I very strongly believe that I have that right. With that I choose to not care how people preceive me. I do understand the pros and cons of donning a tee-shirt with jeans and venturing into the big bad world. I know its not a simple choice yet knowing that there are people out there judging me, I still do that. I think whatever respect which comes my way, should be there for who I am. For the way I conduct myself around different people. It shouldnt be dependant on the length of my sleeves and my shirts. I find that to be a tad bit pathetic and very troglodytish. I know that some might find that I dress provocatively, some think its not graceful or lady like, some might think its slutty. I know being a working woman you need to tread more cautiously.I know that when I get pissed off by some staring idiot I will be told that it is my fault. Being the belle of the office has a major downside, and that's how you are looked at when you wear skinny's to work but like I said; I wear what I want to and I believe that its not the people around me who should be dictating it.

I wonder where in evolution did the human race fuck up so bad that we got stuck with such biases. How a simple thing like dress-code became such an integral part of a human being's societal perception. From roaming around naked to this?.. How and When?

Observations from the other side..

For the women of my generation getting married isn't as easy as it was for generations before. On a mass level , we are the first generation of women to feel something of that sweet thing called "independance", especially for the women of the socio-economic class I belong to. We got ourselves fancy degrees and yummy pay cheques. We go shopping on our own, a lot of us drive or have a chauffeur-driven car at our disposal. We wear what we want to, eat/sleep/poo when we want to and meet whoever we want to. Yes, living in the kind of society that we do there are restrictions and curfews but we still have been able to do so-much-more than our mothers. So this all means that the opportunity cost attached to "getting married" is much higher than it was for them.

Hence you see a lot of women being wary of the institute. Also the pressure to get married makes it even less likable. Also there are enough examples out there to scare you away from the whole deal. You will meet a lot of people who will tell you how hard being married is and how much they had to sacrifice. There are a lot of stories about scary in-laws who make your life miserable. This all has lead to some very strong stereotypes which have developed about marriage. I totally understand where they come from however i feel given the educated and liberal background most of us belong to, we should be able to see through them or understand how they might not be relevant to everyone.

It is not even funny the amount of taunts and off-colored jokes one gets to hear once they get married. For instance eeeevery time I wear Shalwar-Qameez it has to be a topic of conversation. If I am in a good mood, that absolutely has to do with the fact that i was having sex last night. There must be something wrong with my shadi if I am heading out somewhere alone. If either me or my husband are in a bad mood, it must be cause we are having troubles. Friends should not call me since I am now married. Also just like how it is considered rude to comment on fat people but its considered alright to comment on the skinny ones, people think that its not polite to say anything to the ones who are not married about their single status however its perfectly fine to make under-handed comments about those who are married.

Then there is this another kind of comments which I don't even know what to say to. People ask you:"So how's newly married life? Is your husband nice? Are your in-laws treating you well?" and so I say:"I'm good and yeah he's great ...and my In-laws are awesome". I think the appropriate response to this would be a simple "That's nice. Hope everything stays that way forever" or something along those lines.. guess what I get 95% of the times; "abhi shoru shoru kay din hain. Aik do maheenay guzar jain, phir pochain gay" (Translation: Its the beginning so that's why, wait a few months and you will see them in their true colors)

I do not understand the cynicism about shadi especially considering how much pressure there is on the ones who are single. I do not see why women who choose to not get married at the "right age" have such bitter comments about those who chose to do otherwise.

I mean is this what things have come down to? That the concept of being-happily-married is too-good-to-be-true?

...and don't even get me started on what happens when you discuss the prospect of wanting a child!

shadi - marriage

People ask: "How's newly married life treating you?"

I say: what married life, there is only "Work life".
Such is the life of a corporate slave. Sigh.Sigh.Sigh

My Man

I love your face. The clean skin, the light brown eyes, the pouty thing that you do...and that pony tail that you have on my insistence.

I find it amusing, how you can not function on an empty stomach... and how you buy me food all the time.

I think its funny how you have everyone convinced that you are a quiet person, when you can ramble on about one topic for half an hour, non-stop and not even blink once.

I love how your hands feel strong and manly on my back, when you pull me in for a hug. For a man who never says 'I love you', your fiance sure does feel very secure. I love how you manage to do that ...

Ten days left Irfan J Khan... :)

Terror-ific fashion week in pakistan

Having a fashion week in Pakistan is great. I dress up like a hobo most of the year around, but the study of fashion (fashionology?) is just so intriguing. When, people were wearing what? How different colors and textures come together? The history of it. Creativity at its best and worst. So yeah, for a billion and one reasons it was great.

But why is it that instead of writing about the designers who participated, the models who owned the ramp, the crowd that was there, the celebrities that looked glam and the ones who looked not so, all people can talk about is terrorism. Why, for once, can we not stop talking about it? Isn't it enough that every drawing room conversation revolves around it? The security check posts that litter the town, constantly reminding of the times that we are living in. Then why drag that in to this?... and also the whole narrative about how the "West" doesn't portray us in the right light and bla bla bla . "we are not paindu, we are mighty cool"...arkh!

I'm sorry, maybe its my lack of comprehension, but I really don't see why that's the only thing which comes to our mind.

After hours ...

Its universal, this longing for lovers, after hours.

You might hate their gutts during the day, but let that needle work its way after mid night and their will be shortness of breath and this weird pull in your gutt. You will go through their old messages, stare at the phone, half wondering, half hoping that they would call ...

Or maybe you spent the entire day hanging out with them and they dropped you back home ... and you wondered if they had gotten back. If they were thinking about you, missing you...

and here are a few of my favorite songs which talk about pretty much the same thing ...

ah, any you would wanna add to the list?..

Parental advise for the fucked up.

Be good to your parents.

Not for their sake but for your own sake. Because you might think they are old fashioned and paindu and that they don't understand you but end of the day their approval and their validation means more than anything in the whole wide world. Always!

So do drugs, have sex and drive fast but make sure they never find out. Let them only see the good side cause the good in you is all cause of them. The bad is not their fault so why bother them with it?...

Also One day you are bound to fuck up majorly. Flunk a year, Get laid off or end up in a divorce... and you might want them to give you unconditional forgiveness. Don't run them out of it by the time you hit college. Most people need it after that . The older you grow the greater the fuck ups become. So dont spend that teeny-tiny bottle of unconditional forgiveness on bunking classes and sneaking out. Save it.

You'll need it later...

You wanna know disgraceful, pathetic and sad?...

...then check this out.

I have always found it disturbing how so many muslims out there have this belief in how they are the preferred ones. This concept is there in followers of almost all religions, especially in the monotheistic ones. However its personally, most disturbing when exhibited by the Muslims cause that is not what I have ever felt being raised a muslim. I might have a different set of believes now, then what I previously held but my belief in Allah, shall never change... and the Allah I believe in is my God, and everyone else's God. Be it a Mormon, a Hindu or even an Atheist. I don't believe that He differentiates in His love. That's why he's God. He's the Rahman & The Rahim.

...and things like this just mean that you don't believe that. You don't think He loves all. You don't believe that he's the Most Merciful, the most Gracious or the most Merciful.

Isn't this a blasphemy?