Why?

So blessed I feel, whenever I look back at life, generally.

The faces that I see. SunnySara, Baji and Bhai. Deedi Peeno Simi. Hashim.

Bay Ji.

Komal, Arshia, Alina

Marya, Madiha, Atif, Johnny, Shahab, Rana, Jazib, Asfa, Zahra & Zara, Mahaau & Irfan.

Saady.

The love that I have seen, I wonder, is it common? Has everyone seen so much and felt so much of it?

You would think a girl with 11 best friends, six siblings, three moms and a great husband would be at peace with the love she has had all her life.

Then why is it Baba, that I want more. More of the love you gave me. Baba, why so greedy?

Why does my heart not find peace. Why does it keep wanting you back. So much love, and still wanting that very brand of love that only you could dish out. I have so much, baba. So much that words can never explain. Why being your daughter, I still have such a greedy heart?..

Why my heart has no peace. Why does it just want your hands wrapped around my head & the hug that only a stick-thin baba can give?

Just you baba. I dont want to be ungrateful but only want you. Nothing else. I want you for me, baba. Just me.

nothing else. just you.

Baba, Annie Misses you

I go on facebook everyday and I end up doing the same thing. Reading all the condolences that were written to me, on baba's death. One month after, they are still trickling in. Some wrote to show they cared, even if they didnt understand. Some wrote cause they had gone through the same. Some wrote cause calling was harder.

I know what to say when someone is in a similar situation. Yes, it doesnt come easily but I can still somehow drag my feet through it. But I dont know what to say back, when I am at the receiving end. "Thanks" would be awkward. "God's will, what can I say or do" would be truely reflective of the situation but not of how I feel. I'm not quite there yet. I'm still trying to understand how it happened.

I was in the 4th grade, when I had a dream that he had died. Its amazing how clearly I remember it. I remember that his face at that time didnt carry a beard and his hair were darker. So I'm glad that this time I saw an older face. A face which had seen and experienced so much more than what it had at that time. But why do I feel like there was more for it. I used to celebrate the fact that my kids would have an awesome grand father, having not liked mine all my life. How will they learn that grace and that dignity. Who will teach them to hold their head up high no matter what. I can't. I have walked some roads with my head hanging low. Grace is not me more than it is me. Dignity I have tried to hold on to tight but my grip has been loose on it on a few occasions. but Baba. Never.

That time that I had that dream, I woke up and I was relieved that it was just a dream and up I was to school. I had the same dream another time and when I woke up I didn't really remember anything about it other than the fact that I had seen him dying. Even though I was in Thailand on my honeymoon, there was no relief to follow. By the time it was evening I was sitting in my hotel room, crying out loud, freaking my newly acquired husband to no end.

But I knew it. That it was gonna happen. I'm not superstitious or psychic but that feeling I just couldnt shake off. So in a way there is some consolation that I got to cuddle up with him more than I would have otherwise. I told him how much I loved him, a million times after I got back and before he expired. I got to see him smile and nod at me and do all the little baba-things he used to do, in that special way that made me feel so loved and taken care of for 26 years of my life. So I guess, I should find my peace sometime soon. Also if nothing else works I can find solace in knowing that I was a special one, cause I shared my birthday with him.

But whatever happens, needless to say there are still tears which are gonna be shed, sad laughs, laughed like the way us siblings do when we are reminiscing about him and loads of birthday candles blown wishing he was there.

Observations from the other side..

For the women of my generation getting married isn't as easy as it was for generations before. On a mass level , we are the first generation of women to feel something of that sweet thing called "independance", especially for the women of the socio-economic class I belong to. We got ourselves fancy degrees and yummy pay cheques. We go shopping on our own, a lot of us drive or have a chauffeur-driven car at our disposal. We wear what we want to, eat/sleep/poo when we want to and meet whoever we want to. Yes, living in the kind of society that we do there are restrictions and curfews but we still have been able to do so-much-more than our mothers. So this all means that the opportunity cost attached to "getting married" is much higher than it was for them.

Hence you see a lot of women being wary of the institute. Also the pressure to get married makes it even less likable. Also there are enough examples out there to scare you away from the whole deal. You will meet a lot of people who will tell you how hard being married is and how much they had to sacrifice. There are a lot of stories about scary in-laws who make your life miserable. This all has lead to some very strong stereotypes which have developed about marriage. I totally understand where they come from however i feel given the educated and liberal background most of us belong to, we should be able to see through them or understand how they might not be relevant to everyone.

It is not even funny the amount of taunts and off-colored jokes one gets to hear once they get married. For instance eeeevery time I wear Shalwar-Qameez it has to be a topic of conversation. If I am in a good mood, that absolutely has to do with the fact that i was having sex last night. There must be something wrong with my shadi if I am heading out somewhere alone. If either me or my husband are in a bad mood, it must be cause we are having troubles. Friends should not call me since I am now married. Also just like how it is considered rude to comment on fat people but its considered alright to comment on the skinny ones, people think that its not polite to say anything to the ones who are not married about their single status however its perfectly fine to make under-handed comments about those who are married.

Then there is this another kind of comments which I don't even know what to say to. People ask you:"So how's newly married life? Is your husband nice? Are your in-laws treating you well?" and so I say:"I'm good and yeah he's great ...and my In-laws are awesome". I think the appropriate response to this would be a simple "That's nice. Hope everything stays that way forever" or something along those lines.. guess what I get 95% of the times; "abhi shoru shoru kay din hain. Aik do maheenay guzar jain, phir pochain gay" (Translation: Its the beginning so that's why, wait a few months and you will see them in their true colors)

I do not understand the cynicism about shadi especially considering how much pressure there is on the ones who are single. I do not see why women who choose to not get married at the "right age" have such bitter comments about those who chose to do otherwise.

I mean is this what things have come down to? That the concept of being-happily-married is too-good-to-be-true?

...and don't even get me started on what happens when you discuss the prospect of wanting a child!

shadi - marriage